On a sunny serene day, with a charm of hummingbirds dancing in the air, buzzing bees sipping nectar through a meadow of flowers, and the doting wind exhaling the sweet scent of evergreen across the park, a young man slumped under a tree in the shadowy edges of the park. Sluggish in appearance, with a handkerchief in his hand, the young man sat slumped over a large boulder with his head facing down. If misery loves company, this young man was, at the very least, acquainted with misery. Another young man, named James, observing this melancholic display and feeling a sense of kindredness, slowly walked up to this young man. The below, captures their conversation.
James: What’s your name young man?
Jesse: My name is Jesse. Jesse Morón.
James: Nice to meet you Jesse. My name is James Dimwiddie. Is something troubling you?
Jesse: Yes, something is bothering me?
James: What’s bothering you?
Jesse: The presidential election was stolen.
James: Stolen. Really? Who stole the election?
Jesse: The democrats stole the election for Biden.
James: Really, in all the states?
Jesse: No, only in the five swing states which Trump lost. Then, they hid their collusion against Trump by intentionally losing several seats in the house and senate.
James: Fascinating. So, the Democrats stole the election in one direction, and only in five swing states Trump lost, whilst contemporaneously aborting wins in the house and senate.
Jesse: Precisely!
James: Wow. This must have been a very sophisticated plan involving mainly high ranking officials of the democratic party.
Jesse: No, actually the majority of the conspirators are low level workers.
James: Low level workers?
Jesse: Yes, it appears low level workers like drivers and ballot counters carried out this deviant scheme almost exclusively?
James: How many of them were there?
Jesse: The details are unclear. We estimate anywhere from hundreds to thousands across these five swing states.
James: How did these low level workers hide their deviant scheme.
Jesse: They didn’t. They accomplished it in bright daylight.
James: In bright daylight you say. Well, I suppose it does make sense for them to throw their lives away. I’d imagine several of them have been caught by now.
Jesse: No, we haven’t caught anyone yet. Not a single one. They’re like ninjas.
James: We haven’t caught anyone? Then how do we know they stole the election?
Jesse: We do.
James: How?
Jesse: We just do!
James: Yes, that makes sense. You seem pretty adamant. And, I’ve always been taught that adamancy and evidence are kind of the same thing.
Jesse: Exactly! Plus President Trump says the democrats stole the election and that there was _ massive fraud. So it must be true!
James: I agree. Trump represents the barometer of truth. Everything he says is true. Mexico will build and pay for our border wall any day from now. Trump should file a lawsuit about this election forthwith!
Jesse: He did.
James: Oh, good. How is his lawsuit going?
Jesse: They aren’t going too well.
James: They? What. They???? Just how many lawsuits has he filed?
Jesse: Honestly, I lost track at fifty.
James: Fifty! Fifty lawsuits?!! Well, I suppose lawsuits are like caroling: the more the merrier.
Jesse: Yes, fifty lawsuits at the very least. Well, not just Trump, some of his allies also filed lawsuits. Allies like certain electors, a state here and there, certain voters, etc. They are all working diligently to get this fraudulent election overturned on. And, yes, the more the merrier.
James: Well, we will surely win in court then?
Jesse: Yes, we will. Although, we’re losing so far.
James: Losing? How many cases have we lost?
Jesse: All of them.
James: All of them! We’ve lost fifty lawsuits!
Jesse: Yes, fifty, at the very least.
James: Have we been close to winning any of them?
Jesse: No, the majority of cases have been outright rejected within days, sometimes within hours.
James: Rejected within days? Well, these must all be liberal and radical left judges then, right?
Jesse: You would think so, but no; many of them are conservative judges, even judges which Trump appointed himself?
James: What?! Trump’s own appointees are throwing out his lawsuits?
Jesse: Yes, all of them, and quite quickly I might add.
James: How can the courts sanction fraud in an election?
Jesse: Woah. Woah. Woah. You should be careful with that word you use there, “fraud.” That word is tricky. I think it’s ok if me and you say it, and I think its ok if the President and his allies tell us it occurred, but I don’t think it’s a word or theory that the President should use in his lawsuits.
James: Well, why do you say that?
Jesse: Simple, the President’s election lawsuits don’t use that word.
James: You’re kidding??!!!
Jesse: No, in fact, in one of the cases, Trump’s primary lawyer. Eh, I forget his name, the one who sweats hair spray.
James: Oh, you mean Rudy Giuliani?
Jesse: Yes, him. Thanks. Yes, in one of the cases, Rudy Giuliani told the judge, and I quote, “this is not a fraud case.”
James: Wait, so Trump and his primary lawyers tell us, the public, that fraud occurred but don’t say the same thing in court.
Jesse: Oh no, they wouldn’t dare say it in court. They don’t even like using the word “fraud” and “court” in the same sentence.
James: Oh ok. Of course. That makes sense. Why would they, right? What about his allies? Are they telling the court fraud occurred.
Jesse: Yes, some of them are doing so, some of the time. And they submitted affidavits too.
James: Wow, affidavits. And they still lost?!
Jesse: Yes, well apparently the courts are saying their cases are all based on speculation and conjecture rather than evidence. Apparently, in one of the cases, the closest thing to alleging fraud in the affidavit was a statement saying, “I believe some of these workers were changing votes that had been cast for Trump to Biden.”
James: Wow! That’s crazy! I thought beliefs WERE evidence!
Jesse: Exactly, they are! Santa Clause existed until I stopped believing in him.
James: Yes, well you better believe in him again soon given the upcoming holidays.
Jesse: Yes, I plan to believe in Santa again. I will ask him for a gift in the form of overturning this election to make Trump the winner.
James: You shouldn’t need to do all that. We should take this fight to the Supreme Court. We have six republican justices and, of those six, three are Trump appointees, so we can’t lose. We just need to get this to the Supreme Court!
Jesse: No can do. We lost already.
James: We already lost in the Supreme Court?!
Jesse: Yes, unanimously.
James: Wow! How could the Supreme Court allow this frau…..wait, they did allege fraud to the Supreme Court, right?
Jesse: No, of course not. Don’t be silly. I told you, they don’t even like writing—I won’t even say that word—let’s just call that word “it” anywhere near the court. The case to the Supreme Court was about voter irregularity tantamount to unconstitutionality in the swing states which Trump lost due to those states not complying with their own laws.
James: Wow, that sounds deep.
Jesse: Yes, it is. Voter irregularity is very deep. We’ve left the shallow end of the pool my friend.
James: Wow. Oh ok, what is the irregularity?
Jesse: Easy. The irregularity is that Trump received less votes than Biden.
James: Wait, didn’t almost every single poll, including conservative polls, predict that Biden would win the popular vote, i.e., that he would receive more votes than Trump?
Jesse: Yes, they did! And, get this, when the final votes were tallied, he did receive more votes!
James: That doesn’t sound right to me. If all the polls predicted Biden would win the popular vote, then surely that means he should have lost the popular vote, right.
Jesse: Exactly! It doesn’t make sense. The fraud…err…voter irregularity speaks for itself.
James: Damn these ninja low-level workers. I wish I could can catch one of them to prove our speculation about massive voter fraud.
Jesse: You don’t need to. Don’t forget, my friend. Our belief and speculation is all the evidence you need!
James: You’re right, I almost forgot that very thing. Which states should I believe voter irregularity occurred in for Trump to win? I want to make sure I’m believing correctly to make it so.
Jesse: You must believe voter irregularity occurred in Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Georgia, Arizona, and Michigan.
James: Aren’t Georgia and Arizona generally Republican states.
Jesse: Yes, they are. They both have Republican governors, and Georgia also has a Republican Secretary of State.
James: Wow, these ninja low-level ballot workers really are something to manage to infiltrate two of our strongholds undetectably in broad daylight. Are you sure these low level workers aren’t CIA or something. I mean, this is like beyond James Bond level stuff.
Jesse: Well, they didn’t infiltrate Georgia or Arizona on their own. The Republicans governors and secretary of states were in on it too.
James: The Republican governors and secretaries of state were in on it too you say. Hmm. How do you know?
Jesse: I know because I believe it.
James: Oh, you believe it. You should have lead off with that. Then it must be true!
Jesse: Yes, in some ways its even deeper than that. I really take that phrase from Rene Descartes, “I think therefore I am,” to heart. Whatever I think must be true.
James: Wow, yes, I forgot about that phrase, “I think, therefore I am.” Yes, whatever you think must be true!
Jesse: Precisely, my friend. How can you not believe what you think? It’s so obvious. It’s like two plus two equals five.
James: Yes, yes, yes, well…wait a minute. I thought two plus two equals four.
Jesse: Does it? Well, that doesn’t matter. All that matters is what you believe!
James: Oh yes, of course. How could I have been so obtuse.
Jesse: Yes, you need to expand your imagination a bit more my friend if you are really going to believe that Trump actually won this election. You need to be more like me. For instance, I believe that a bunch of dead people voted and that these dead votes are what changed the outcome of the election.
James: Fascinating. Did dead people actually vote?
Jesse: Surely, in a nation of 340 million people, of course at least one ballot of an otherwise dead person must have been cast here and there possibly.
James: True, there have probably been dead people voting here and there in America since 1776. What would make this 2020 election any different.
Jesse: Precisely!
James: Is there any evidence that these dead people voted exclusively for Biden or that even a majority of them voted for Biden?
Jesse: Yes, of course there is evidence. It’s simple. I believe that they did.
James: Wow! That’s amazing. Then of course they did!
James: And, is there any evidence that these dead votes weren’t somehow caught along the way?
Jesse: Again, yes, it is what I believe!
James: Incredible! And is there any evidence that this sea, well probably more like an ocean, of dead people, who of course voted exclusively for Biden, did so in sufficient number to overturn the votes in even one, let alone in all five of these swing states?
Jesse: Yes and Yes! I believe that they did! So, they must have.
James: Wow! Thank you! That’s all I needed to hear. Any other evidence I should know about?
Jesse: Yes, as long as I have an imagination, and I have a great one, then there will always be evidence!
James: Wow, I wish I had imagination like yours! What else have you imagined?
Jesse: You should grab your popcorn for this one. Well, I imagine that this company named Dominion, which was founded in Canada in 2002 and makes voting machines and software, conspired with communists from across the globe, even dead communists like Hugo Chavez, so that the Dominion voting machines in these five swing states—and these five swing states exclusively—electronically switched Trump votes to Biden votes using an algorithm.
James: Wow! Amazing! You do have quite the imagination! Wait, electronic? I thought there were paper ballots.
Jesse: There are paper ballots, but these Dominion Voting Machines count and electronically tabulate the paper ballots.
James: Got it. These commies sure are duplicitous. Lucky for us, this should be easily verifiable. Since electronic tabulations distort the paper ballots, the actual paper ballots won’t match the electronic tabulations. We simply need to do hand counts of the paper ballots! We’ll catch these jokers red handed.
Jesse: No. No, there is no need. The paper ballots and the Dominion voting tabulations match to a tee.
James: What? Really???!!!
Jesse: Yes, multiple recounts have been done, including a hand recount of over five million votes in Georgia, and they match each and every time.
James: Oh, well, if the hand recounts match the electronic voting tabulations, wouldn’t that mean that the Dominion algorithm stuff and changing votes theory is a bunch of hogwash.
Jesse: Not if I don’t believe it to be hogwash.
James: Wow, yes, then it can’t be hogwash. It must be true!
Jesse: Exactly! Don’t let a little thing like logic hold you back my friend.
James: I’m sorry. Yes, you’re right.
Jesse: Right. Eschew logic. For instance, like they’re trying to say that Trump only led in some of these swing states on election night because these swing states counted in person votes first, which favored Trump, before counting mail in ballots, which weighed heavily for Biden.
James: Well, that makes logical sense. I recall Trump telling Republicans not to use mail in ballots. So, I suppose that could be the reason.
Jesse: No! No! No! Haven’t you been listening at all?!! You’re letting logic hold you back again. Logic is not your friend. Logic is like the terminator: It can’t be bartered with. It can’t be reasoned with. And, it absolutely will not stop, until you are dead or, at the very least, your dreams are dead. Therefore, the best thing to do is to choose reject logic and believe the illogical.
James: Thank you! Yes, that would certainly make me feel better.
Jesse: Yes, whenever reason and logic pops up about this election, just disregard it if you don’t like what it means or otherwise implicates. Just keep saying fraud and voter irregularity. Keep on saying it and saying it until you believe it.
James: Yes! Yes! If I keep on saying it, then I’ll have to believe it. Otherwise, I’ll sound like moron. Obviously, I don’t want to sound like a moron. And, since I don’t want to sound like a moron, then I should disregard any thoughts that suggest my thinking is moronic. Therefore, my thinking must the opposite of moronic. My thinking must be true. Which means, whatever these obviously radical left outsiders say contrary to my non-moronic thinking, regardless of how logical or reasonable, it must be rejected. I should just keep saying and believing voter irregularity and voter fraud cost Trump the election!
Jesse: By George, I think you’ve got it! And, here I almost thought we were going to need to have a discussion about the pitfalls of that dreadful word “accountability.”
James: No, no need to even think about accountability.
Jesse: Good. I hate how that word makes me feel. But, yeah, that about sums it up my friend. I’m sitting here all frustrated because less and less of the world is believing what I’m thinking. It’s so obvious the democrats fraudulently stole the election. But the rest of the world is letting logic and reason get in the way. They think if Trump really believed fraud occurred then he would have alleged it in his lawsuits. They think that all of the judges, including Republican judges and Trump’s own appointees, rejecting his 50+ lawsuits means there is and was likely no evidence of massive voter fraud or voter irregularity. They think that the polls predicting Biden would win the popular vote mean that it makes sense that Biden won the popular vote; and that I shouldn’t draw a negative inference from him winning the popular vote. They think that multiple hand recounts where the paper ballot voting tally matched with Dominion’s voting numbers means that there was likely no algorithm in Dominion’s voting machines or software which switched Trump votes to Biden. They think it is highly unlikely that a massive voter conspiracy the likes of which the world has never seen, such as here, involving hundreds if not thousands of low level workers across multiple swing states, workers who presumably never even knew each other, could occur in broad daylight without any any of these workers being caught, without any of these workers’ plans being intercepted, without any coordination amongst these workers, and without any paper or electronic trail whatsoever. They think it is unlikely that Trump could overturn one, let alone all five of the swing states, particularly where he losing by tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of votes and where he keeps losing recount after recount. I can keep going on and on. They even think the fact that Trump’s attorney general says that he has found no evidence of voter fraud or irregularity sufficient to overturn the election means that I should stop believing Trump lost the election due to massive voter fraud and irregularity…as though my belief isn’t enough evidence as it is. Suffice to say, now, it is beginning to look like Biden may actually be sworn in on January the 20th.
James: That’s terrible. Devastating. Well, I believe in what you think, is there some way I can help.
Jesse: Yes, there is actually. And since you believe, then I know it will be so.
James: Yes, yes, I believe, tell me.
Jesse: Thanks. Yes, I’ve thought about this long and hard, and I don’t see any other way around it. But, could you use your wish to Santa Clause to get this election overturned. The thought of me having to use my Santa wish on this election makes me sad.
James: Why does it make you sad?
Jesse: Well, other than from parents or being born privileged or with a silver spoon, I don’t think it’s appropriate to expect handouts from anyone, even Santa Clause, for things that you cannot achieve on your own merit. The idea of asking for charity from Santa irks me.
James: Ahh, yes. That is tricky, isn’t it. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it. I’ll just choose to believe it is appropriate to expect handouts.
Jesse: That’s some good thinking! We fraudulent election proponents do come in all shapes and sizes don't we, so it does make sense for you to think that.
James: Yes, of course. Like you said, things make sense when we want them to make sense. I’ll ask Santa for the wish and keep our man Trump in office as he lawfully ought to be. No need to worry.
Jesse: Thank you! Democracy is saved! 2021 here we come!
With glee spreading across his face, Jesse leapt from the boulder in frabjous delight. James echoed his excitement and they both chortled with joy. All concerns about the horrors of a Joe Biden presidency subsided as the melodic chirping and buzzing of the birds and bees slowly matched the cadence of jingle bells. For when one has sown the seeds of abject belief irrespective of evidence into the deepest crevices of his bosom, he can live happily choosing to believe whatever he wants.
The End.
